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~To Laugh Again~
The clock in the corner ticked loudly, as if to create a rhythm with the other soft sounds in the room. In the chair by the fireplace, Sam had drifted off to sleep and was snoring slightly, and Frodo was at his desk, scribbling words on a piece of paper. A cool breeze rushed through the window, rustling his hair and tickling his cheek. It was a particularly hot summer night, and the breeze felt nice on his face.
Drawing his attention from his writing, he spared a glance outside. The stars were twinkling brilliantly and the full moon shone brightly against the dark sky. Crickets were chirping just outside the window, and an occasional frog joined in the song. It created such a peaceful feeling of serenity.
He looked back down to the paper he had been working on. Ideally, it was addressed to Sam, but realistically, Frodo knew he would never show it to him. It contained his feelings which he wished he could tell Sam, but knew it would also break Sam’s heart. Frodo knew it would do him no good to keep everything inside, so his form of release was to write down all he wished he could say. Feeling content with all he had written, he began to re-read it:
Dear Samwise,
I see your face in the firelight, Sam, you’re sleeping so peacefully. I know you have found peace since we returned, and the knowledge of that makes me happy for you. You have adapted back into your everyday life, and seem to have forgotten everything that happened to us. Of course, I know you haven’t really forgotten, but you have set those memories aside, you have put them into the deepest depths of your memory – and there, they are as good as forgotten.
I wish I could tell you I have done the same, but in truth, I haven’t. Oh, I try, but even so, the memories all come back to haunt me. I have nightmares in the night, and sometimes when I daydream, things are just as horrible. During these times, I try to hide the way I feel, but somehow you always seem to know when my spirits are low. And in those times, you’re such a comfort, lending an ear to listen, and perhaps lift my spirits with your words.
What you may not know, Sam, is that I hold some things back. I feel almost trapped here. Lost between the memories I wish to forget, and the happiness that is so close, yet just out of my reach. I get so frustrated because I can’t seem to let it go. All I want is to be happy, truly happy, again, but I don’t know how.
I’ve seen you laugh, a deep laughter that shows your true spirit; why can I not laugh like that? All my laughter, all the good feelings are temporary. I do have fun, spending time with you and Rosie, and Merry and Pippin. But it’s getting harder and harder for the joy to surface, and easier for it to leave. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? As time goes by, I should be forgetting, letting it go, just as you have.
As I said, I can be happy, but it’s only temporary - a momentary joy. The feeling I have, deep down inside, it that of depression and despair. I don’t feel happy like I used to. I remember I could walk down the street, a smile on my face, a song in my heart, merrily whistling a tune. No more do I feel that way. Why, Sam? I want to feel peace the way you do.
But I cannot forget. The memories won’t let me go.
I want to laugh again, Sam . . . I want to laugh a laugh that goes down to the core of my soul. I want to be carelessly happy again. I want to smile a true smile, and to be happy deep down inside, not just having a fleeting moment of joy.
I was happy once, Sam, why can I not achieve the feeling now?
Frodo set down the piece of paper and sighed heavily. How he wished he could feel the happiness everyone else seemed to have. Perhaps someday. Slipping the letter into a drawer, Frodo locked it and turned away. He knew Sam would never see it, but he felt a little better inside, nonetheless.
Yes, perhaps someday, his soul will be healed, and he could be truly happy again.
Drawing his attention from his writing, he spared a glance outside. The stars were twinkling brilliantly and the full moon shone brightly against the dark sky. Crickets were chirping just outside the window, and an occasional frog joined in the song. It created such a peaceful feeling of serenity.
He looked back down to the paper he had been working on. Ideally, it was addressed to Sam, but realistically, Frodo knew he would never show it to him. It contained his feelings which he wished he could tell Sam, but knew it would also break Sam’s heart. Frodo knew it would do him no good to keep everything inside, so his form of release was to write down all he wished he could say. Feeling content with all he had written, he began to re-read it:
Dear Samwise,
I see your face in the firelight, Sam, you’re sleeping so peacefully. I know you have found peace since we returned, and the knowledge of that makes me happy for you. You have adapted back into your everyday life, and seem to have forgotten everything that happened to us. Of course, I know you haven’t really forgotten, but you have set those memories aside, you have put them into the deepest depths of your memory – and there, they are as good as forgotten.
I wish I could tell you I have done the same, but in truth, I haven’t. Oh, I try, but even so, the memories all come back to haunt me. I have nightmares in the night, and sometimes when I daydream, things are just as horrible. During these times, I try to hide the way I feel, but somehow you always seem to know when my spirits are low. And in those times, you’re such a comfort, lending an ear to listen, and perhaps lift my spirits with your words.
What you may not know, Sam, is that I hold some things back. I feel almost trapped here. Lost between the memories I wish to forget, and the happiness that is so close, yet just out of my reach. I get so frustrated because I can’t seem to let it go. All I want is to be happy, truly happy, again, but I don’t know how.
I’ve seen you laugh, a deep laughter that shows your true spirit; why can I not laugh like that? All my laughter, all the good feelings are temporary. I do have fun, spending time with you and Rosie, and Merry and Pippin. But it’s getting harder and harder for the joy to surface, and easier for it to leave. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? As time goes by, I should be forgetting, letting it go, just as you have.
As I said, I can be happy, but it’s only temporary - a momentary joy. The feeling I have, deep down inside, it that of depression and despair. I don’t feel happy like I used to. I remember I could walk down the street, a smile on my face, a song in my heart, merrily whistling a tune. No more do I feel that way. Why, Sam? I want to feel peace the way you do.
But I cannot forget. The memories won’t let me go.
I want to laugh again, Sam . . . I want to laugh a laugh that goes down to the core of my soul. I want to be carelessly happy again. I want to smile a true smile, and to be happy deep down inside, not just having a fleeting moment of joy.
I was happy once, Sam, why can I not achieve the feeling now?
Frodo set down the piece of paper and sighed heavily. How he wished he could feel the happiness everyone else seemed to have. Perhaps someday. Slipping the letter into a drawer, Frodo locked it and turned away. He knew Sam would never see it, but he felt a little better inside, nonetheless.
Yes, perhaps someday, his soul will be healed, and he could be truly happy again.
The End
(Note from PropertyOfFrodo on behalf of the author: The sequel to the story is Finding Happiness.)
PropertyOfFrodo |
Latest page update: made by PropertyOfFrodo
, Feb 5 2008, 8:19 PM EST
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Edited by PropertyOfFrodo
17 words added view changes - complete history) |
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Keyword tags:
Baggins
Frodo
Shire Hobbit
To Laugh Again
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